i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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