i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
