my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
