Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
