You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
