im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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