can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
