I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
is wine microwaveable?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
