Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
