No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
