it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
