walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
