What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
