I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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