I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
