what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
