please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
