I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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