and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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