Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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