Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
