I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's official drugs can't kill me
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
