I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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