when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
