Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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