no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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