I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
