i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
