we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
