I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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