I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
