Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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