oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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