the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
