Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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