Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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