You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You made out with two different species that night
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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