Just fell off a train. Bad.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So much rum. So many feels.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
