Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm just crazy horny about you
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
