Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
MIDGETS
????
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
