if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
