Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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