I can feel you judging me through the phone.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
