I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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