he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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