Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
