lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
