i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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