i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
