Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
